Many of you know I suffer chronic migraines and have tried a zillion meds for them. Ketamine is the latest in my search to not have a headache. Today was my first infusion–I will share it here while it is fresh and I will post updates on the other 4 infusions, how they go, and how long term pain is. The infusions are in a medical setting, with doctors/anesthesiologists who have medicine to control the ketamine and deal with any bad effects. I would never recommend you try this on your own! Here’s my day:
I survived! I slept all day after the infusion and I still feel draggy. I feel like I am slightly hung-over–if I move too quickly, I feel a little spinning and nausea.
What was it like?
Well, I didn’t expect it to be so strong, quite honestly. I got a shot of versed at the beginning–it helps mitigate the hallucinations (ha), and a shot of zofran because I’m prone to nausea. When the doc gave me the versed, I said, “this is the med that will make me tell you I love you, right?” and he said “This is the ‘I don’t care about anything’ med”. LOL
The effects were mild at first, and I was texting and talking (some). The doc realized I was crimping the tube and once we got that straightened out, the med hit hard. I couldn’t have texted if I tried. Colors became stronger, and everything took on a more dimensional form.
At the peak, I was completely dissociated with my body (though I always knew I was in a chair in the clinic–I simply didn’t care, lol). I was only consciousness and all around me was the feeling of a greater consciousness–though no individuals. Everyone was one. Past, future, present. It wasn’t scary at all–it was comforting, actually.
I was traveling through math expressed in visual form, and I felt like I was on the cusp of discovery. Mostly, the math was tessellations and fractal expressions, but it was also in 4 dimensions and graphed visually with color having meaning too, if that makes sense. (I know, it probably doesn’t). I was listening to music (Green Day, of course) and the music was striated into layers of discs–sort of looked like legos and stacks on flat disks. The disks hovered on the left and right side of my vision, changed color, and WERE the sound. I could hear them all separately and yet together too. I heard parts of the tracks I had never noticed before. The lyrics seemed to pierce my soul. Literally.
When I opened my eyes, everything was topsy turvy. My hubby was there (early on in the infusion, the first sign I got that things were getting weird was that I could see his brain. I said, “I see your brain” (this was when I was still able to talk) and he said “no, you cant”. But I could. Vividly.)) I heard the fountain in the room dripping heavy drops of water (like 1/4 cup at a time), hubby pushing buttons on the video game he was playing (his face was all eyes), and the fan, which whirred slowly enough I could see each blade moving. I heard the doctor come down the hall, touch the doorknob, then saw him come in. I felt the body-shaped box I was living in, but it was separate from me. At that point, I could barely speak. I had time to reflect on the nature of the world–that was pretty amazing, tbh.
I remember feeling at one with everything and being sad I had to leave (the doc was ending the infusion)–I was ready to stay in that world. It was a good place. Time was both really really fast, and really really slow at the same time, and there was no time and everything was time. It really felt like being part of a great collective. Peaceful.
Because I had such a strong reaction, I assume (the doc didn’t really say why, but I assume this is why), the infusion tomorrow will not go up in dose as originally planned. lol. I will also get another dose of versed at the 1 hour mark because I probably reacted a bit strongly. The dose for pain is twice the dose for depression, fwiw, though IDK how that equates to anything. I’m still so groggy. Hopefully this feeling will dissipate soon.
Pain wise? No pain. No pain meds today at all (well, ketamine and versed, but no migraine meds). Fingers crossed that this med does its job and resets my pain pathways and fixes the broken things. I’ll continue to document my journey, because when I was searching, there weren’t many accounts of people getting ketamine for chronic pain. I have infusions tomorrow, Sunday, then Friday and Sat next week. I really, really, really hope this helps. I will say that the experience was pretty awe-inspiring and I’m glad to have had it.
It’s not a first line treatment, for sure. Pretty heavy stuff. If you’re considering ketamine for pain or depression, please do your research and talk to your doctors. Please don’t ever mess with this stuff outside of the medical setting. It’s no joke. Really. It can kill you.
Thanks for all the messages and texts. <3 I know you are rooting for me. I hope this helps someone out there who is considering trying it, and I’m more than happy to answer any questions. Here, via email, FB, whatever. <3
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